[see Part II (children) or Part III (coping)]
Part I:
Losing a Parent, Losing
Your Past
Secondary Losses
Coping With Your Grief
Losing
a Parent, Losing Your Past...
When a parent dies, it is only natural for us to grieve; to feel pain,
anger, denial, guilt, and deep sadness. How do we say good-bye to a part
of our past that helped make us the people we are today? Through grieving,
we begin the process of braiding the strands of reality into memories.
Reactions to Losing a Parent...
Grief is as individual as it is natural. How you grieve depends on a number
of factors. The age and health of a parent can help pre- pare you for
the death. However, it does not diminish the grief. Your relationship
with your parent at the time of their death is a major fac- tor. If the
death was the result of an accident or sudden illness, and you did not
tell them everything you wanted to, this can also become a factor. When
these factors mix, they influ- ence the feelings associated with the grieving
process. No one should tell you how to grieve or for how long.
We react emotionally, in similar ways, when we experience the death of
someone we care about. You may experience shock if the parent died of
a sudden illness or accident, or denial because you just cannot believe
this could happen to you. Other reactions are numbness, anger, and guilt.
These are normal reactions and you should not feel ashamed or alone for
having these reactions.
Numbness can occur when you have ab- sorbed the initial shock. You may
feel that none of what is happening is real - as if you are just watching
a movie. This does not mean there is something wrong with you. Shock is
nature's way of insulating you and giving you time to slowly accept what
has happened.
Anger is a natural reaction. You may feel anger at the doctors or nurses
who could not save your parent. You might get angry with family members,
the funeral director, or even with God. You may even feel anger toward
your parent for dying. Most of all, you may be angry with yourself for
not making your parent see a doctor sooner or for not being with them
to prevent an accident. As you work through the anger, it is usually apparent
that everything was done that could have been, and you could not have
prevented it.
Guilt is often associated with the anger. 'Why didn't I see the warning
signs earlier?' 'Why didn't I make sure they ate properly?" 'Why
did I insist they take that vacation?" Even minor events that would
not normally deserve a second thought can become stinging memories in
the face of death.
It is common to become preoccupied with the parent who died. You may think
about that parent constantly, recreating the circumstances of their death
over and over again in your mind. You might experience dreams and nightmares.
Also, you may think you see or hear your par- ent. I)o not be frightened
by these reactions; as bizarre as they may seem, they are normal.
Remember to take care of yourself during this emotional time; grief can
take a physical as well as an emotional toll. Familiar signs of physical
grief are weight loss, difficulty sleep- ing, irritability, shortness
of breath, and even hair loss.
Secondary Losses...
As the initial shock of death fades, it is common for the bereaved to
slip into depresion or feel panic. When a parent dies, you eventually
experience secondary losses. Not only have you lost a parent, but you
have also lost a part of your past. Your parent may have acted as your
adviser, role model, or friend. It is not unusual for adults to seek a
parent's advice before they make large purchases or investments - after
all, they have years of experience to draw upon. Perhaps your parent was
also your counselor on child-rearing, lationships, cooking and health.
For you and your siblings, the family home was probably the natural place
for family reunions. With out your parent to fulfill all these roles,
you may suddenly feel alone.
Even if you were quite independent from your parents, you may still experience
some type of secondary losses. You may have hoped to someday make your
parents proud of your career accomplishments. You may also regret that
your parent will not see your own children grow up.
If you are older, the death of a parent removes a psychological buffer
between you and your own mortality. As your generation becomes the oldest
in your family, you may be nagged with the feeling of ''I'm next."
Coping
With Your Grief...
How can you overcome the problems you face after your parent has died?
First, you must recognize that grief is necessary. It is something you
must work through; there are no shortcuts.
Spend time with your memories and talk openly with family members and
friends. Look to your friends for support. They may not know how badly
you are hurting, but they will listen. At first, they may feel awkward
not knowing how to help. Simply tell them what you need.
If you normally have a pressing or stressful schedule, lighten it for
a while. Grief can affect both your mental and physical being, so don't
add to the stress and strain too soon. Set aside some quite time to allow
yourself to accept what has happened. You need to work through how it
is affecting you, and decide what, if any, adjustments need to be made
in your life.
If your other parent is still alive, talk with them and share your memories.
Sooner or later, you will find yourselves laughing about the good times
as well as grieving for your loss. Gently suggest that your surviving
parent not make any major decisions for several months. A grieving widow
or widower may sell the house or give away belongings, only to regret
those actions later.
What if you still can't seem to handle your grief? There is no timetable
for grief, so it is difficult to say when a person needs professional
help. If you are worried that your grief is controlling you, speaking
with a counselor may help. You may be relieved to discover that you are
reacting normally. If you believe you need help, ask your funeral director,
clergyman, or doctor to suggest a counselor.