[see Part I (parents) or Part III (coping)]
Part II:
Losing a Child, Losing
Your Future
Answering the Questions
of Your Other Children
Children and Death
Telling a Child About
Death
Losing
a Child, Losing Your Future...
Having a child die before we do seems to go against nature. It has been
said that parents who lose a child also lose the hopes, dreams, and expectations
they had for that child. They lose a part of themselves. They lose their
future because their child represents their sense of ongoing life. Psychologists
believe, because of those reasons, a child is possibly the most difficult
loss of all to accept.
People who have children often feel that being a parent is the most important
role they play in life, regardless of the child's age. There- fore, the
death of a child can be a tremendous assault on the identity of a parent.
If your child has died, you will most likely experience several common
reactions of bereavement. However, your grief can be more acute than normal.
You may go into shock or even deny, at first, that your child has died.
You will likely become depressed. If you are normally a committed, caring
person, you could find that you do not care about anything or anyone.
You may become preoccupied with the circumstances of your child's death,
recreating them over and over again in your mind. You may think you see
or hear your child. You may even have dreams and nightmares about them.
The intense grief caused by your child's death can take a physical toll
as well. You may lose weight, have difficulty sleeping, become irritable
or listless, or feel short of breath. Grief has even been known to cause
hair loss.
Regarding all the normal reactions to death, the two you may experience
most acutely are anger and guilt. Because the death of a child does not
follow the normal order of nature, there is a strong urge to place the
blame on someone or something. You may be angry at the doctors or nurses
who could not save your child, or at God for letting your child die. If
your child died because of a traumatic accident, you may be angry at whoever
you believe caused it. If your child's actions partly caused the death,
you may be angry at him or her and then feel guilty about your anger.
In fact, you are likely to feel guilty for rnany reasons. Parents often
feel terribly guilty for sirnply living when their child has died. If
you had an argument with your child or had to discipline hirn or her shortly
before the death, you rnay feel guilty for those actions.
You may feel the most guilt because you believe you should have prevented
your child's death. You may find yourself consumed by thoughts of 'if
only". 'If only I hadn't let him go outside that day." 'if only
I had checked on her a minute sooner.' 'if only I had been there."
A father tends to suffer guilt over failing to prevent a child's death.
While both parents feel responsible for their child's safety, men have
often been taught that protecting the farnily is their primary role.
Many fathers also have a difficult time expressing their grief They may
still believe on some level that 'big boys don't cry,' or they may want
to be strong for their surviving family. Unfortunately, this may keep
fathers from working through their grief and resolving it. It may become
necessary to seek counseling or spiritual help.
While bereaved parents know they will experience intense grief, their
child's death can have another effect they did not anticipate. The death
could alter their feelings toward each other. Almost always, the marriage
will never be the same. The change could be for the better or for the
worse. However, the relationship rarely stays the same.
Parents think their grief will be similar because they have lost the same
child. This similar type of mourning rarely happens. The relationship
the father mourns is different from the relationship the mother mourns
because each parent shared a different relationship with the child.
Parents may find it difficult to cornrnunicate. The intensity of grief
comes at different times for each parent. The father may indulge himself
in his work while the wife surrounds herself with memories. The husband
may feel the need to box up and store the child's per- sonal belongings
and the wife cannot bring herself to touch them. One parent's physical
resemblance to the dead child can also cause difficulties for the other
parent.
A child's death can cause sexual problems within a marriage as well. Time,
patience and communication are the key elements to resolving these problems.
Sexual problems have been known to last for up to two years or more after
a child's death.
How can parents handle the problems brought on by their intense grief?
It may not be possible to work through your grief alone. There are support
groups that deal with parental grief, and bereavement counselors who can
assist you through the transition. Books are available to help you and
let you know you are not alone. Ask your funeral director to recommend
a specific book, or visit your local library.
It is important for parents to realize that severe grief can make them
feel like they're going crazy. If you are afraid your grief is out of
control, you might consider asking your clergy, doctor, or funeral director
to suggest a counselor. You may be relieved to find that your problems,
in this situation, are normal.
Finally, remember that other people will likely feel very awkward around
you because they will not know what to say. You can help bridge the gap
by simply telling them what you need and letting them know if it is all
right to mention your deceased child.
Answering
the Questions of Your Other Children...
Your other children will look to you to explain the death to them. A child's
questions will depend on their age, but your answers should always be
honest. Don't tell a child that his or her brother or sister is 'sleeping";
the child might be afraid of dying while sleeping. Don't tell the child
that God wanted their sister; the child will be angry at God and fear
being "wanted" himself. Simply answer the questions as they
come, without offering more information than necessary.
However, you should assure young children that they will not die of the
same cause. Also, assure them that they had nothing to do with their brother's
or sister's death. Young children sometimes fantasize that they caused
the death by being mean to the deceased sibling or by fighting with them.
Remember, your other children need to resolve their grief. They will take
their cues from you, so give them permission to grieve by letting them
see your own grief. You will not do them any favors by protecting them
from the grieving process.
Children
and Death...
Perhaps one of the most difficult situations parents will ever face is
telling their children that a loved one has died. We are afraid children
will not understand death, or that they will be crushed emotionally. Even
more so, we usually have no idea when to tell them or what to say.
In fact, children understand more than we think. They may have experienced
grief through the death of the family's pet dog, cat, or other animal.
Even the changing of seasons teaches children about the life cycle.
If someone close to your child has died, you shouldn't try to avoid telling
them. Children can and do handle the news of death, often better than
the adults around them. Like adults, children need to come to terms with
death and the grief that accompanies it.
Telling
a Child About Death...
When a death occurs, someone close to the child should tell them; preferably
a grandparent if a parent cannot. The child should be told as soon as
possible. News of a death travels quickly, and parents who delay telling
the children run the risk that they will hear about it from someone else.
By trying to avoid hurting children, you could expose them to a bigger
hurt and shock later.
Once you have told your child that someone has died, you need to explain
what will happen next. Tell them about the wake or visitation, if there
will be one, and about the funeral and burial. If you are unsure what
to say, ask your funeral director for help.
Of course, your child will likely have many questions. What a child will
want to know depends on their age and any previous experience they have
had with death. Generally, pre-schoolers don't understand that death is
final. They may ask, 'When is Grandma coming back?" After all, cartoon
characters on TV are killed every week, only to return again. Children
at play say, 'Bang, you're dead,' knowing that the 'dead' person can get
up and walk away at any time.
Between ages five and ten, children learn that death is final, but they
may believe that only old people and accident victims die. If a relatively
young person dies, children in this age group may demand to know why.
After the age of ten, children begin to understand that death is part
of the natural order of things, and that people die at all ages for a
number of reasons.
Listen to your child's questions; answer them as simply as possible. Do
not try to overexplain or interpret their questions. lf they ask, 'Why
did Grandpa die?', they will probably be satisfied to know that he got
very sick. if they want more details, they will ask for them.
It is also important to be honest. Don't tell a child that "Grandpa
is just sleeping." The child may be terrified of failing asleep and
never waking, or they may believe that Grandpa will wake up soon. Ask
your funeral director to suggest a book on grief, relating to children.
Children should also be reassured that, although a parent has died, the
other parent will still be here. For the present, the child will still
live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, and go to the same school.
However, children have some naive ideas about death that you should address
without being asked. Children often conclude that they somehow caused
the death. Tell your child it is not his or her fault that someone died.
If a loved one, especially a sibling, died of a disease, reassure the
child that he or she is healthy and will not die of the same disease.