[see Part I (parents) or Part II (children)]
Reactions...
Children are people. In many ways they react to death like adults. They
may feel shock or, at first, deny that death has occurred. They may become
angry and blame others for the death, or become angry at the person who
died for leaving them. They may feel guilty for not being good to the
person who died. They can also become depressed.
Children can also react to death in sur- prising and erratic ways. They
may greet the news of a loved one's death with nothing more than a shrug,
then express their grief in subtle ways later. They may regress and begin
sucking their thumbs, wetting the bed, or otherwise acting like infants.
They may become hostile with playmates, or they may express their grief
and anger by treating their toys vio- lently. They may imagine or pretend
that they are dying, or exhibit curiosity about the funeral coach, casket,
vault, and grave. This is just normal curiosity. In short, there is no
'normal' or correct way for children to grieve.
Coping...
Like adults, children need to grieve, to accept that death has occurred,
and attempt to get on with their lives. Your child will take cues from
you, so don't be afraid to express your own grief. Cry if you want to,
and let your child cry with you. Don't tell your child, 'Be brave, don't
cry." This is a sad situation and the child needs to express his
or her sadness.
Talk to your child, and encourage them to talk as well. If the child wants
to talk about the deceased, allow it. Show the child that it is okay by
talking about the deceased yourself. Even if your child is too young to
talk about the death, you can still share your emotions. Hugging and touching
will comfort young children who can sense anguish in the family, even
if they do not understand what has happened. Children surrounded by sadness
need to be assured that they are loved.
It is a good idea to take your child to the funeral, but do not force
them if they do not want to go. A funeral serves a number of psychological
needs for children as well as adults. Children, like adults, need to share
their grief. The funeral provides a focus for grief, allowing people to
come together and express their feelings. Funerals give meaning to the
experience of death; they can be an important lesson for children.
Children must receive a careful explanation of the funeral before they
decide whether or not to attend. If the decision is to attend, then the
parent must provide an even more descriptive explanation of what will
happen at the funeral. Ask your funeral director for assistance. Books,
videos, and counselors are available for explaining the process of death
and a funeral service.
If you try to protect your child by keeping them away from the funeral,
you may make the child feel shut out or rejected. Children need to understand,
on an emotional level, that death has occurred. People who don't attend
the funeral of a loved one sometimes suffer from un- resolved grief later.
Remember, your child's relationship to the deceased has not ended; it
has only changed. After the funeral, keep pictures and other re- minders
of the deceased around to spark conversations with your child. This will
help form a new set of emotional bonds with the person who died.
It is very difficult to say when a child needs counseling to overcome
unresolved grief The grief process is not a series of neat, separate stages;
it is more like an emotional roller-coaster ride. Feelings of depression,
anger, or sadness can come roaring back months after the death.
However, if a child seems beset by prolonged anger, denial, sickness,
or listlessness, it is a good idea to seek counseling. Ask your pediatrician
or clergy to suggest a child counselor who has experience with grief therapy.
Your funeral director can also help guide you to qualified counselors.
You and your child may discover that their reactions are normal and feel
better for knowing it.